You probably realize that I have been missing in action because I have been busy with by archeological dig in the studio/office of our home. I keep finding interesting bits of ephemera, photos and unfinished projects like a sweater I was knitting for myself and a couple of journals.
Here is a lost doll sign that Mia made when she lost her favorite doll at the beach where we were spending Thanksgiving. I saved it because? Well, just because.
Last week I found That 70s Family. Today, I have the 80s version.
Today, I found the journals up there at the top. The first one that I started had three entries, dated September 23, 24 and 25, 1991. (22 years ago. I was a mere 53 years old.)
An excerpt from the first entry:
Yesterday, Lisa asked why I had not yet written in this journal and started to scold me. She stopped, apologized and said, “You have to be ready and want to do it.” Every day, I have these profound thoughts and ideas which I want to write down. I am usually pm a walk or bike ride, and I just never get around to it. Today. I faced the fact that if I don’t write it down, it is not real and it (a thought or idea about myself) can just be out there floating around and I don’t have to deal with it. In other words, I can be a figment of my imagination, and not be real.
(There was some other stuff. I ended with the following.)
I am thankful for the affirmations that Steve, Mark, Lisa and Stephanie give to me. I will not dread the future, I will put the past behind me. I will write about what today gave to me. There, I have begun.
The next entry made me cry.
Today was a long, lonely day. I am attempting to keep myself busy with projects that need to get done. I really crave interaction with other people. Stephanie called this morning – needed money- but we had a nice chat. Steve called from Japan tonight. He misses me as much as I miss him.
I’m struggling over looking for a job. I am afraid of failure and I want to maintain my independence. I’m not sure what I have a passion for, but I may not have the luxury of indulging in my passion.
I wonder how Mark is doing. He has been teaching English in Mexico for two days. I hope he calls soon. I miss him. I am happy that he has made a goal for himself and succeeded in reaching it.
The last entry was very short and sad.
I’m in a rut. I have no friends and no family to interact with. I’m tired of entertaining myself. I have to make a plan to get back into life.
I am trying to remember the circumstances that made me feel so lonely. As I recall, I had just quit a job that I was unhappy with. Prior to that, I had owned and operated two successful diet counseling franchises. The company underwent a leveraged buy out and essentially went in the dumper. But, I had had several years of a happy work life and interaction with lots of people. Fast forward to the time when Mr C was constantly traveling to Japan for work. The kids were long gone from home. Soon after that, I got a job at the Episcopal Church as the office administrator. I loved the job and felt happy and fulfilled. In 1994, we moved to Wilmington, NC. where the other journal was started. I will share that in a later blog post. It is somewhat of a mystery to me!!
I might also say that when I started blogging in 2005, I finally found a way to journal that worked for me. And, can we say, that I finally found something for which I have a passion?
In addition to being busy with the sorting and purging, I helped with our annual Trinity Artisan’s Fair on Sunday. I loved these Chickens made from Pendleton Wool scraps. There is an outlet store near me. The maker gets her fabric there.
I have also been stitching on the 3x3s in the evening.